Masterpiece Theatre, A Marianas Trench Story
by KiwiTwinkieReeses
Summary: Josh Ramsay is a troubled teen. At seventeen, he ran away with a young girl, getting involved in the world of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. How far will he get in before realizing he can’t get out?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Masterpiece Theatre

Rating: R for strong language, and graphic drug use

Summary: Josh Ramsay is a troubled teen. At seventeen, he ran away with a young girl, getting involved in the world of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. How far will he get in before realizing he can't get out?

Chapter 1: Say Anything

[Disclaimer: I own absolutley nothing! The darker things mentioned in this story are not know from experience, only research. This is based loosley on Josh Ramsay's battle with addiction with my fictional story behind it. Enjoy!]

From the minute I entered the doors, I knew I wasn't getting out. The wash white wlls and tiles contained me and my emotions from day one. The police guy is nudging me and asking me a question. I blink my grey blue eyes a couple times.

"Huh?" I snap out of my daze to see what feels like a thousand faces.

"Are you high, kid?" He asks again, getting impatient.

"No." I answer, hoping my honesty shines through my terrible reputation.

"When did this start?" My mom wipes away tears, that feel so unreal. Your parents aren't supposed to cry, they're invincible. I think for a moment and it surprisingly all comes back to me.

* * *

I walked out of my house for, about, the eighth time that night alone. It was so ridiculously hot that night that I desperatley wanted to open the windows but I was so scared the rest of the neighborhood would hear. Pushing my black bangs into the rest of my hair, I sat down outside the boring pale yellow house on the steps. I took a couple of deep breaths and considered running away. My parents were screaming at each other. Again. What a shocking turn of events. It was at this time I realized, it wouldn't have mattered if I had the windows opened or not. The whole block could hear the threats and deratogory slurs. From my fingers covering my face, I could see Bill from across the street turned his hose off and back away and into his house. He left the silver Volkswagen Rabbit sudsy just to get away from the awkwardness of…well…me.

"You know, I'd leave too," A small girls voice sounded from the deck next door. I looked up slowly. She was tall, dressed in black jeans, cut into shorts, a black tanktop with a long sleeved one over top. She was almost as white as paper, like me. Her eyes were slathered in black eyeliner and eyeshadow, making her green eyes appear evil, almost beady. Her pursed lips were also covered in the same black stuff. I was left speechless. "I hate myself too."

"Really?" I replied with a sarcastic eyeroll.

"Yup, wanna get out of here?" She climbed down a small vine and jumped in front of me.

"Like I care." I stood up and she started walking without me. I rolled my eyes but followed her anyway. Her long black hair was tied up into a ponytail revealing the nape of her neck to me. Now, I definatley had no choice but to stay with her. She was beautiful.

"My name's Devi. Devi Harkin."

"I like Devi."

"So do I. I made it." She snorted.

"I'm Josh. Josh Ramsay."

"Gnarly. I just moved here."

"Great. Why are we talking?" I asked partly because I wanted to know and I felt like being a smartass back.

"Mother says I need to make friends." She pulled out a packet of ciggarettes and offered me one. I took it even though, I've never smoked in my life.

"I see. Why me?"

"You look like someone I could get numb with."

"What?"

"Do you want to feel anything right now?" She turned to face me, raising a heavily pierced eyebrow. I thought carefully about my answer and turned to see a plate fly out one of the windows of my house.

"Let's go."

*****************

Flash forward.

Devi and I are waiting outside a window attached to a boarded up house. It's started to rain in East Hastings.

Flash forward.

We're sitting in some guys basement that Devi knows. There are spoons, a camping stove, little baggies of powder and other of small hand rolled ciggarettes, and lots of needles. Devi starts by turning on the stove and then taking out a ciggarette. She lights in before drawing in a large breath and blowing out smoke that doesn't smell like the smoke we shared earlier. She then passes it to her friend who takes a large puff as well before passing it to me. I don't know what to do.

"See Jack. Told you I could get us more income." She smiles at me. I grin back and try to follow what they did. The paper touches my lips and I suck out the smoke. It fills my mouth and lungs making me cough intensly. I drop the 'ciggarette', grasping at my throat trying to open it up to breath. It burned every fibre of my being and I heard 'Jack' and Devi laugh loudly. She touched my arm, sending tingles through my veins, and picked up the ciggarette.

"Doing okay there, buddy?" Jack's laugh was throaty. His safety pinned jean jacket barely fit over his incredibly thin body.

"Can you feel it still?" Devi looked deep into my eyes. The pain was there still and I wanted it to stop.

"No," I coughed. "It's still here. What was that?"

"Is this your first time dude? That was the cleanest Mary Jane this side of Vancouver!" Jack smiled, re-lighting it. My mind immediatley went to health class. Mary Jane was marijuana. I just inhaled weed. I was getting high. Holy shit, I just had a joint. A blunt. Cannabis. My heart started to race and my muscles started to tense.

"John. You alright?" Devi asked, her green eyes softening.

"Josh. My name is Josh." I stated.

"Of course, Josh. What did I say?"

"I can't remember…oh…oh my god. There's…something…there's something in my skin." I looked down at my fingers and saw little spiders crawling underneath my fingernails and up to my palms. Suddenly, Devi wrapped her arms around me, pulling my head under her chin.

"Shhh, honey. It'll all be over soon," She kissed the top of my head and my eyes started to water. "Jack, turn off the stove. We'll cook it later. We have all night," Jack did as she said and I gripped her arms around me before starting to sob heavily. "And when it's over," She whispered and kissed my forehead again. "You won't feel the pain anymore, I promise."

Flash forward.

I'm laying on the floor feeling the soft, soft carpet. The stove is back on and Jack is sucking up the liquid in the spoon, from the stove. Devi is preparing another packet.

"It's just…it's just gone. Woah. What are we doing next? Is it going to do the opposite?" I'm rambling again.

Flash forward.

Jack tied the rubber band around my arm making all the little blue veigns pop out. I giggle nervously. The few minutes blurred together fantasically. Someone stuck a needle in my arm and my body rejected it. I started feeling sick and they know. Devi and Jack did the same think and we sat there, shaking, twitching, and laughing and soon, I had to run to the bathroom to retch the horrible things in my body. It doesn't want the drugs but I didn't care. It'll help with the pain. I want them. At least for now.

I curled around the toilet and the world blured as I vomit up what feels like all my internal organs. I was hot, sweaty, shaky, and numb. Most of all I felt numb. And that was a good thing. I cleaned myself up and returned to Devi and Jack who were just mumbling nonsense back and forth. The world started to turn and I leaned my head back against the wall. Closing my eyes, I breathed in a heavy iron scent, like someone melted too many pennys.

*********

When I finally came to, Jack and Devi were rifiling through my wallet. I sat up, smalling vomit, melted pennys, and smoke. I wiped at my mouth, realizing I threw up again. I felt awful. I groaned and they noticed I awakened.

"Hey man, that wasn't too bad for your first time!" Jack laughed, handing my wallet back.

"Yeah? Thanks," I took it and checked inside. "I guess." My twenty dollar bill was missing.

"You look like such a user, I totally thought you'd done it before." Devi grined.

"Where's my twenty?" I hardly heard the answer, my wallet had shifted in my hands and strange things started crawling out of it. I shook my head numbly and they went away…for a little while.

Flash forward.

Jack and Devi led me home. My parents stopped fighting. At least what I thought. Devi left with Jack and I entered my house. My father was hitting my mother in slow motion. I calmly walked down to my room and layed down, closing my eyes. That one stings a little, but I won't say anything at all.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

(A/N: This goes out to my dearest wifey, Amber May (adamftw_x). Thank you for all the help my dear! ILU!! And Lolly and Jenichu! You guys are so rad! Thank you for all the lovely comments that made me verrrry happy. 3)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (wish I did) except for Jack and Devi.

Decided to Break It

Weeks passed, months passed. Devi, Jack and I met up every second day to get high. I eventually became immune to the initial needle and could stay awake through the process. This way I could experience the entire euphoria of getting completely stoned. In fact, my body started to like it. I knew I wasn't addicted; it was just a good feeling that washed over my entire self. I enjoyed it the same way a young kid becomes accustomed to the taste of sugar. My parents seemed to stop fighting since the first time. They didn't even notice my lethargic appearance anymore. It was like the whole world was piecing together without me and that was just the way I wanted it.

It was the second Saturday into August. It was again uncomfortably hot and all I wanted was to sit in a cold basement and get numb. I stopped caring about what my parents did and just about what I was doing. I walked slowly out the door and shouted for Devi. Her porch door was wide open and I knew she could hear me. I had gotten her attention like this many times before. It took eight times calling her for her to appear.

"What?" She moaned, slinking out to the railing to stare at me. She was wearing nothing but a long tank top.

"Dev, it's the day." I smiled, trying not to notice the bleeding holes in her forearms. Did I look like that?

"Screw it. I'm not going." She looked even paler that usual and was wearing no makeup. Suddenly, a sick desperation caught my heart. Would I be able to do this without her?

"Why not?" I asked, desperately trying to hide the fear in my voice.

"Because Josh. I have no money. I'm not going if I can't pay Jack." She sighed, leaning of the railing. I thought she might turn into a liquid and slide right off the deck.

"Can't…can't you just owe him? Or something like that?" I felt my throat close up.

"Trust me, Josh. Owing Jack is really not something you want to do."

"What happened to the forty I gave you last time?"

"It's not enough. Jack upped his price!" Her voice was hoarse and she walked back into her house for a second. "I spent it on something else," She returned and handed me a bag with two blunts in it. I groaned, taking one out and lit it as fast as I could. "Josh, don't do that out here, hun. Come inside." She walked back in and I puffed on the joint, gathering as much smoke in my lungs as possible. The front door to her house opened and she invited me in. I finished the joint and started the second one while walking up to her room.

"It's not working." I stated, burning my lip in the process of trying to get numb. Her room was trashed. Clothes, paper, books, and other such crap, littered her floor, walls, and bed.

"I'm so sorry, babe. I don't know how to help you." She sat on top of the mess and I finished the second one, finally feeling a small wave of nothing rush over me.

"I think I know what we can do. Get dressed, kay?" I stated. "Meet me at my house in a bit."

Flash forward.

"Mother?" I asked in a drawl tone. I attempted to brush my hair down to make myself presentable.

"I'm in here, sweetie!" She called from her bedroom. I forced myself to breathe normally, but I could feel the cold sweat start. I walked in to see her applying foundation to cover up a bruise. I made a small mental note to ask about it later but right then, I just needed to feel good.

"Mom, can I borrow fifty dollars for a movie with my girlfriend?" Obviously, Devi wasn't my girlfriend, but what else was I going to say?

"Of course hun! Who is she?" She turned with a smile, reaching for her wallet. She pulled out four twenty-dollar bills and I snatched them quickly. I gave her a tight hug before running to the door, which Devi had just knocked upon.

"Thanks Ma. Devi and I won't be back until later, kay?" and without even a seconds hesitation, we left the house.

**********

"Sixty dollars?" Jack stated, taking my money. We stood outside his house, shaking, clutching onto each other. I wiped at the sweat that had gathered at my brows.

"Yeah. That's all I got, what can you give us?" I stated, my teeth chattering together. We were so close to getting rid of the pain, I could taste it.

"Yeah, come on in. I got something cooking already." Jack opened his door and Devi crushed her lips into his.

"Thanks babe." She smiled before leading me into the basement. Why was I so angry?

Flash forward.

I had to tie my belt tight around my arm to make the little veins pop out. God, there were a lot of holes. Devi had passed out into Jack's lap. He was petting her hair while sucking up the brown liquid into a syringe. He passed it to me and I tapped it to get rid of the air bubbles. Using my index finger, I pressed around for a vein to release the liquid in. I tightened the belt using my teeth and punctured the skin, pushing the sharp tip into the little blue river. I drew in a sharp breath feeling my veins absorb the drug and finally receiving the release. I pushed the plunge and the brown liquid disappeared. I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath until I pulled out the needle and felt it all rush out of my lungs. It's such a shitty existence, but it's better

"Finally." I whispered, before dropping my head onto the carpet. Jack looked up at me and opened his mouth. I could see his lips moving, but the words just couldn't reach me. Then my cell phone rang.

"If it's the cops, you didn't get it from me." Jack yells, and that's the only thing I hear. I mummer something before answering.

"Hello?" My words are slurred.

"We need to talk." It's my mom.

"About?" The panic sets in.

"Where you are."

"I'm with Devi." It's not exactly a lie.

"You had better not be sleeping with her!"

"Trust me, I'm not," I replied, glancing over at Jack.

"Okay, hun. Just be home soon." And then she's gone. I hang up and head home.

Flash forward.

I got up from my sleep at two in the morning. The pain was practically ripping through my arms. I thought very quickly on how to make it stop. Just wandering around downstairs, I stubbed my toe and a quick flash of pain hit me before numbing my foot. And then the idea came to me.

I quickly ran upstairs to my mom's bathroom and stole a shaving razor out the cupboard before running back down to mine. I pulled the head of it apart with a pair of tweezers and my fingers, slicing them entirely. Eventually, I had several separate razors spread over the tile, with little drops of blood to accompany them. What a terrifying piece of art.

Which way is it again? I thought, trying to will my breathing to return to normal. I really couldn't care less but I decided that across my arm would be better, at least for now. I picked one up and pressed it to my forearm, higher up than the holes, only to feel the pressure soak in. I took a deep breath and dug it in before quickly pulling it right across. My pale skin was now interrupted with a thin, getting thicker line of crimson. I almost laughed, feeling the instant cooling tingles up and down my nerves. I pressed the razor once again to a spot below it and pulled again, even faster this time. The blood started to seep out of my arm a bit too fast this time.

"Shit!" I cursed and stood up, reaching for the tap and a towel. The blood gathered quickly and ran down the length of my arm, crawling over the track marks and on to the floor. I pressed the towel tightly to the two wounds and subsided against the bathroom door. I repeated the same curse word over and over and applied more pressure. Eventually, I couldn't feel the pain anymore, and the blood had crusted into a lovely scab. I cleaned up the razors, placing them in a secret spot in the bathroom, for later use. I mopped up the blood and placed the soaked towel straight into the washing machine. Inching back to my bed, I pulled the covers up over my shivering body and I prayed for sleep. Or at least morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

September

[A/N: I've decided to dedicate to this entire story to the friends that have helped it grow into more than just an obsession. Jenichu, Lolly, Samson, Fioner, Makayla, Noner. I love you guys and thank you for helping me with everything, this is for you!]

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story line and the original characters. I do not own Josh Ramsay, Jacob Hoggard, Matt Webb, or Brandon Lehti although I wish I did. Enjoy!

Before I knew it, it was time to go back to school. I really didn't know how I was going to get through my classes with this new burden of mine. I woke up on the fifth of September, not looking forward to seeing my old friends. They were always so aware of the bad things going on in my life. They figured out my parents were abusive before I did.

I took a deep breath before walking in the doors and headed to my locker. This was supposed to be a clean slate kind of day. But it wouldn't be for me. I opened it slowly, seeing the friends I used to know.

"Josh, hey man! How's it going?" Jacob asked, untangling his fingers with Fiona's to give me a high five. I half smiled and gently touched my hand to his.

"Jesus Christ, Josh! You look like shit!" Amber tried to laugh, but I could see the worry in her face.

"Awe thanks," I tried to think of a quick excuse, stealing a quick look in the mirror in Jen's locker next to mine. "I haven't slept very well in a long time." I did look too pale and much too thin.

"Parents again?" Jen asked quietly, her boyfriend Brandon wrapped his arms tightly around her waist.

"Sure. Yeah it was them." I grinned with the utmost fakeness.

"Alright, let's move on. We have English first right?" Lolly asked, walking away with Matt. I nodded, grabbed my books and tried to rush off as to avoid any further questions.

*************

The next few weeks got even more troublesome. The classes that used to be really easy to get through, like art, needed a little extra encouragement. I couldn't get a hold of Jack and therefore was only able to attain weed off of Devi. It worked, but not for long. I started to need it a hell of a lot more than I thought I did. Was I an addict? I contemplated this before walking out the door for the fourth class that week.

"Josh!" Someone shouted and I turned quickly to see Fiona. Shit. Now I couldn't leave. I put on a smile and turned around to face her. Jen had now joined her too.

"Yeah? What's up?" I noticed they looked pissed off.

"Get to class!" Jen stated solemnly.

"No, screw that. I have to go meet up with a friend." That wasn't exactly a lie. Devi did want to meet up.

"What for? You have band." Fiona raised an eyebrow as they finally reached me.

"I just don't feel like going today. Devi means a lot to me and I want to keep this relationship going." I shrugged. Again, not completely lying.

"Josh, we know something is up. You need to tell us what's going on." Jen leaned on the doorframe, giving me the death glare. I sighed, this was it. Was I going to have to confess?

"We realize that you don't like telling what's going on but we're worried. You've lost a lot of weight."

"It's nothing, don't worry about it," They didn't look convinced. "I'm serious! I'm fine."

"Fine, don't tell us, but if we find out you're not okay, we're not going to be there to help you." Jen sighed before walking off to class.

"I don't need your help. I can do this myself. I'll be okay." I rolled my eyes.

"Fuck you, Josh! We're just trying to be good friends!" Fiona pushed me before storming off. Thank god that was over. I continued out the door and started to walk to Devi's.

* * *

The front door to Devi's was open so I just wandered into the basement. I could hear her screaming at someone. Something about prices. Jack screamed back. I felt bad for Devi being yelled at but Jack was here. That meant there was smack and I had the cash. I quickly raced down the stairs and pulled my wallet out.

"Jack, I can barely afford my house! You can't raise the prices! I love you!" She shouted, black eyeliner tears running down her cheeks. Jack had her by the wrists and looked pissed.

"I don't care! It's my company, I can tell you what to pay whatever the hell I want to!" He pushed her to the ground and I stepped in.

"How much is it?" I asked, feeling the anticipation take hold.

"Eighty a bag," He growled. I opened my wallet to the tons of cash. "Where'd you get all that?"

"School fundraiser." I sighed, pulling out a hundred and sixty dollars and handing it over. He pulled out two bags and handed them both to me. He then left suddenly, leaving Devi scrambling for her needle. I pulled mine out of my school bag along with a lighter.

"Do you need a spoon?" She asked.

"Yeah, I bought this one for you." I tossed the bag to her and she quickly ran upstairs to grab the rest of her stuff. I slid off my belt and tied it high up on my arm, tightening it around the little splices in my arm. I drew in a jagged breath, feeling the pain snap through my body. Devi slid down the wall next to me and handed me the spoon. I smiled at her kindly before emptying the packet into the utensil. I flicked the lighter and heated up the powder until it bubbled into a liquid. I cursed under my breath, sucking up the brown liquid into the syringe. Passing the spoon to Devi, I gripped the belt in my teeth and pulled to make the little veins rise to the surface of my skin. Holding my breath, I pushed the needle into one of the brighter veins. I breathed out slowly, making the liquid disappear into my arm. I could hear Devi tapping her needle before retying the rubber tube around her arm. I took another deep breath and pulled the needle out only to sit there for a few minutes, watching the blood seep out of the little hole.

"You have to untie the belt to get it to stop." Devi whispered, leaning her head on my shoulder, pulling her needle out and taking off the rubber band. I mumbled some form of yes before reaching up to the belt. I slid my fingers under the belt and felt the long slices in my now tough leathery skin. I groaned, taking the pressure off the wounds but I noticed that most of them broke open and blood was slipping down my arm slowly.

"God damn." I stated, waking Devi up.

"Huh?" She asked before noticing my arm. "Oh fuck. That's not good! Don't drip it…don't drip it on my carpet." She said slowly before crawling to her bathroom to get me a towel to clean it up. I just sat there; staring at the blood slowly pool at my wrist and then Devi dropped a wet towel on the wound, splashing the blood all over. It was so neat and then she had to go and fuck it up. I almost yelled at her but then she tucked her head underneath my chin and fell asleep. She didn't mean it. She loved me. And I loved her. And we would love the drugs together. I closed my eyes and drifted off, her hand in mine.

*******************

I woke up to my cell phone buzzing in my pocket. I looked down to find Devi, still curled around my torso. Trying not to wake her, I slid it out of my pocket and answered slowly.

"Hello?" I whispered.

"Where are you?" My dad this time. Now I was proper screwed.

"I'm at Devi's. She was having boyfriend issues."

"Why'd the school call and tell me you weren't there?"

"I don't know. I was there, ask Jen. She saw me." I hoped to dear God that he wouldn't call my bluff. Jen was such a sweetheart, I knew she'd cover for me anyway but I didn't want to test it.

"You sure?"

"Yup. I was there."

"Will you be home for dinner?"

"I have no idea. I might just stay over here with Dev."

"Hell no you're not! Go stay at someone else's house. Devi is bad luck." He spat. You're telling me.

"Fine. I'll call Jen." I stated and he hung up. I then dialled Jen's number. Devi shifted slightly and I draped my arm around her waist.

"Hey?" Jen answered in a whisper.

"Hey dude, it's Josh."

"Yeah? What's up?" Her voice picked up.

"If my dad calls, I'm sleeping over at yours tonight. Alright?" I asked hopefully.

"Yeah, totally. If mine calls you, I'm at yours. Where are you really though?"

"With Devi. And you?" I knew I could always count on my best friend to cover for me.

"With Brandon," She laughed. "Be safe okay? We'll talk later?"

"Of course I will. You too," I said, feeling a little better about lying to her. "And we will definitely talk later." We said our goodbyes and hung up.

"Was that your girlfriend?" Devi asked, from my arms. She looked so weak I could break her in half.

"Naw, I don't have one," I replied softly and she pulled out a pack of smokes, offering me one. I took it and pressed it in between my lips while looking for my lighter. "Just a friend who's a girl." Devi lit hers first and then mine, and I inhaled deeply. I felt so badass when I was with her. It was just so right.

"Ah, I see. So what are you up to tonight?" She blew out a huge cloud of smoke and re-adjusted so her head lay in my lap.

"Nothing, can I stay here tonight?" I asked, blowing out quickly and taking another puff.

"Yeah, you can. Just no funny business. I'm dating Jack." She laughed.

"Do you have anything stronger than this?" I asked, gesturing to the cigarette.

"One more hit and you'll get better." She smiled, leading me upstairs to her room. She handed me a little tinfoil packet. That night I learned how to 'chase the dragon' and not to trust girls with eyebrow piercings. She had smack up here the whole time and yet she still made me pay for another bag. However, it was the life we chose to live and live it we did.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Alibis

A/N: THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS! You guys made me cry last night with all the nice things you all had to say! You are the best fans in the world! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Also, I'm really sorry, this one is incredibly short. =[

Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda. Don't own ANYTHING.

It was surprising how fast it became October. Vancouver was starting to get cold but inside I felt even colder. My world was slowing unravelling. I walked the lonely hallways of my school knowing no one would talk to me. Lolly and Matt had moved to the other side of the room in English. Fiona and Jacob would give me the finger if I even glanced towards them. Amber just shook her head and walked away. Brandon had yelled at me for 'poisoning' her mind with silly ideas. They had almost figured out the secret. Jen had somewhat stayed by my side but even she was distant. They knew I was involved in some sort of drug, they just didn't realize how deep I was in.

"Josh," Jen whispered from behind me. "What are you doing out here?"

"Why are you talking to me? Isn't you're boyfriend going to kick my ass if you do?" I snarled. Jen was my best friend. Why the fuck was I yelling at her for?

"I'm just trying to help you, god." She shook her head and turned to walk away.

"No, Jen. Don't...don't walk away from me!" I grabbed her wrist and turned her to me.

"It's the addiction or me, Josh. You decide." She pulled out of my grip and ran off to class.

"Fuck! You know what? Fuck you Jen! Like you ever cared!" I screamed before running to the bathroom. I pushed open the last stall door and slid down, heavily sobbing. I flipped open the messenger bag and pulled out two needles I had saved up from the last meeting with Jack. I didn't care if I hit a vein or not, I just needed the rush. I pushed the needle in close to skin, turning it red with pressure. I wiped away a few tears and tried to push it in again. Something felt wrong about it this time. Why the hell did Jen have to prevent this from happening? I needed the rush and she was acting like a fucking brick wall. I dropped the needle to the ground and held my head in my hands, feeling my breath hitch with the tears. My cell started ringing and I answered reluctantly.

"Josh? It's Dev." She was crying too.

"Dev? What's wrong?" I asked, trying to regain composure.

"Jack...Jack broke up with me."

"What? Why?" No more junk?

"I don't know. He just did."

"Ugh...where," I sniffed, wiping away more tears. "Where are you?"

"On the way to your school. I have smack." And then she hung up. The stupid little fucker. Did he know how much others cared for her? And he just gets to break her fucking heart. I picked up the needle and jabbed it into my arm, almost screaming out in pain. I pushed the plunger and almost passed out from the blinding light of pain. This was a new experience. I took in a deep breath, feeling the tears subside and my lids get heavier. I had better stay awake long enough for Devi and I to get high together too.

Flash forward.

I woke up, curled next the toilet. This was such a shit existence. My cell phone was ringing again. I pressed talk and put it on speakerphone. The metal felt so heavy in my hands.

"Josh! Where the fuck are you? I'm in the goddamn lobby. I have you're shit."

"I'm in the fucking bathroom." I'm hoping to dear god that was audible. Suddenly, the bathroom door slammed open.

"Josh!" She screamed again and I kicked the door to alert her which stall I was in. She walked over, her large combat boots stomping off the tile.

"I have another needle, don't worry." I mumbled, preparing myself for another hit.

"Good, I only have enough for me." She stated, opening the door and sliding in beside me. I took a long time to decide on whether I wanted to inject it into a vein or under the skin again. Devi threw a rubber tube at me and I tied it. She made the decision for me.

"Fuck, I'm so glad no one else can see this." I mumbled.

"Why? You're little friends don't approve of your new lifestyle?" She snarled, raising the pierced eyebrow.

"Nope, they don't. And I'm not so sure I do either anymore." I whispered, hoping she didn't hear. I fucking hated her sometimes.

"Whatever." She shook her head and injected. This is not the man I hoped to be and I'm just trying to stop the bleeding. I don't know how to word it. I just started to deserve it.  
And all my faces are alibis. And me, I'm half the man I wanted to be


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Shake Tramp

A/N: I'm so sorry this has taken so long to get up! I've been lazy and lots of other crazy sh-t happened. Oops. Oh! And Kiah (or Vertigo93, go follow her!!! She's rad!), this ones for you, doll! Much love! Mwah!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. You knew that.

My parents had gone out for the day. It was a Saturday and they were meeting with some sort of...rich person. I could care less what they were doing. I untied the belt from my arm and pulled out the needle. I felt fucking great today. It was cold outside but I was warm with the drugs in my room in the basement. I pulled a cigarette out of the packet and pressed it between my lips. I flicked the lighter, watching the flame hit the paper and the smoke filled my lungs. I slowly breathed in, letting it fill my entire being. Then I exhaled even slower, watching the grey blue smoke twist and turn from my lips, as if my soul were literally escaping from my body. I smiled, closing my eyes against the world feeling absolutley free. Free from worry. From pain. From drama. From people. I felt truly alive in a really dead way. Putting the ciggarette back to my lips, I decided I'd better hide my habit from my parents; no sence in getting caught over a silly mistake. I inhaled sharply and exhaled slowly, feeling that lovely release I was getting used to. I tucked the needles and bags into a small cigar box and hid in in a drawer beneath my bed. I untucked the sheets and pulled down a few blankets to cover the drawer, just in case. I held the ciggarette between my index and middle finger before blowing out a steady stream of smoke. I smiled again and climbed back onto my bed just to stare at the ceiling in complete and utter euphoria.

…..That is until my cell phone started ringing. I groaned in frustration, finished my smoke, and picked up the phone.

"What?" I growled.

"It's Dev."

"Great."

"I've got good news!"

"Can't wait to hear it." I wasn't in the mood for her little bipolar mood swings.

"Jack and I are dating again! I apologized and he took me back! Isn't that amazing? Of course I had to-" She started rambling about some 'favours' she had to pull to get him back and I just wasn't in the mood to hear this. Did she realize I loved her more? That I would treat her kindly? More so than Jack did anyway.

"Where the fuck are you?" I pushed my bangs back into the rest of my hair and dragged my palm down my face in anger.

"I'm next door silly! Where are you?" She sounded chipper. She must be high too.

"Stay there. I'm coming over."

*******************

"Did I let you down or something?" I screamed. She sat in a chair across from me, calmly smoking.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I practically break my knees to get you your release." I spat, starting to pace.

"What's your problem?"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"I really don't Josh. I think this is a good thing."

"Oh come on! He slaps you around like you're his bitch and you just take it like a whore." I rolled my eyes while I pulled out a ciggarette and lit it, trying to calm down.

"Excuse me, Mr. High and Mighty! I'm just trying to score us smack, alright?" She retaliated.

"I hate this room." I muttered to myself.

"Josh, I'm…I'm sorry. I didn't know you cared about me that much." She got up and draped her arms around me.

"Well, I do. And I don't want you to be a little tramp." And then she wound up and hit me.

"Jesus! I'm sorry Josh! I didn't mean it!" She hugged me tightly, sobbing into my shoulder. My jaw ached but there was a little part of me that was elated for her. She was finding her voice. She turned to look at me, her green eyes meeting my blue ones.

"It's okay, Dev. I love you no matter what." Before either one of us realized it, her lips were pressed tightly against mine. I held her face to mine, tasting the disgusting ciggarette remains on her full lips. She ran her hands up my shirt, making me shudder and press tightly against her.

"Come with me." She whispered while biting my earlobe. I nodded, completely under her spell. Taking my hand in hers, she lead me up to her bedroom.

*********

For whatever reason, I ended up curled up in a ball at the end of her bed. I had nothing but her black bedsheets to cover me and I felt more than physically exposed. Devi had lit another smoke and went to the bathroom to clean herself up. Why did I feel so used? I could feel the hot sting of tears well up in my eyes, and it was almost too much to bear. I loved her and all and I enjoyed what just happened for the most part…only…our first time just wasn't supposed to happen like this. I wiped at the tears now sliding down my cheeks and burried my face in my hands. I reached down, picking my clothes up off the floor and delicatley pulled them on. The scars, scabs, and needle marks just seem much more prominent when I wasn't wearing anything. And, God! I was huge! I felt shocked that I hadn't crushed Devi while we were at our most vulnerable just then.

"Do you have to go home now?" She asked quietly, leaning on her bathroom doorway. I slipped the t-shirt on over my head and wiped away the remaining tears.

"Yeah, my parents will be home soon." I walked over to her slowly.

"I like you, Josh. You seem to understand me." She smiles gently before kissing me again, sliding her tongue along my bottom lip.

"Devi. You're perfect. Don't forget that." I replied quietly and kissed her back. I then headed downstairs and out the door back to my house.

***********

"What's wrong Josh? You look paler than usual." My mom asks, touching my hand, making me flinch. She was always too warm.

"I'm fine. Just haven't eaten all day." I try to grin it off before stuffing my face full. I read about these people that do this. They eat tons of food and throw it up before they digest it. Maybe then I'll get thinner and Devi will love me instead of just making me her little fuck buddy.

***********

It's four in the fucking morning. I feel awfull after just thrown up for an hour and a half. Oh and to top it off? I'm crying again. I reach under my sink and pull out the special bag full of razors and pull out a clean one. Those one's hurt the most. I almost scream out in pain feeling the razor slice open my un-numb skin. I want her arms around me to make this easier to get through. But I want to be better for her. And then it hits me. How the fuck are we going to get the drugs now? We've screwed over our dealer. Shit. And the guilt in me is the hurt in you. And the hurt in you is the lost in me. And the lost in me is the need in you. And the need in you is the guilt in me


	6. A Quick Authors Note

No chapter, just a small authors note

It's so funny to me that to be writing about such a sensitive subject would (or at least I thought would) draw in a lot of hate or disgust. In fact, some of my family members have expressed their strong dislike for me writing something this serious at such a young age. I always know there will be people out there who will disagree with this and I always expect the worst from the things that I write. I'm not sure why but I'm going to blame my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Wood-Armstrong for the lack of confidence. Anyhow, that's not the point of this. When I first decided I would show the first chapter of this to my friends, I was so scared. They knew I wrote fanfictions, I just didn't tell them what they were about. This was technically the first thing I'd writen without anyone telling me: Hey, you know what you should write about? So I feel very proud of this story but at the same time very worried about it. The first friends I showed it to gave me such praise (and we're a little angry at the fact that I ended it without finishing a sentence, sorry!) that I gained a little extra boost of happy. In the next few months, I stored it in the back shelf of my notebooks while adding little tidbits to it. It wasn't until the video for Celebrity Status premeired that I really considered showing everyone else my ideas. Now that I have, I feel so grateful to the band, Marianas Trench, for giving me a little extra push to show off my talent. I have received no hate from the people actually reading this story. Okay, okay, maybe a complaint about typos every once a while but every time someone reads a chapter its always about how good it is, which I did NOT expect. Although this tale is far from over, I'm glad I get to enjoy the ride with the people I love most. Not to single anyone out but four people have really stood out with the praise. In no order whatsoever: Amber, Kiah, Jen, Lauren. You guys are beyond amazing. I honestly don't know what I would do with out your positive reactions to this story. I love everyone of the people reading this but you four have honestly filled me with such enthusiam and confidence. It's made me feel good about myself which I haven't in a long, long, loooong time. Thank you for listening to me through all the bullshit, fangirlyness, and all the other stuff in between. I love you guys. Mwah.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Low

A/N: Go bug xx__Lolly__xx on twitter and tell her to start posting oneshots! This is a joint account my dear! You must contribute too! –laughs-

Disclaimer: I honestly don't anything. If I did, you'd know.

"Just tear them down. I don't think I'll need them ever again." Devi muttered, ripping the pictures of her and Jack down off her walls.

"Are you sure? No pictures?" I asked softly, helping her peel them off.

"All of them need to go. I don't love him anymore." She sighs, glancing over at me with a grin that sends chills down my spine. I smile softly to myself and start shredding down the photos. Once they were all thrown in the trash bins, Devi started crying.

"Dev? What's wrong?" I wrapped my arms tightly around her, feeling her bones shake against mine.

"I guess the problem here is nothings wrong at all. I just could care less about him." She sobbed into my neck.

"I know hun. I know," I lifted her lips to mine gently. "What if we leave here?"

"Leave? What do you mean?" She wiped away a few tears before blinking at me in confusion.

"Like," My head started running a mile a second. "We could pack our stuff in your car and go."

"Go where, Josh?"

"Somewhere away from here. Something is obviously missing for us so why not go out and find it." I grinned.

"I don't want to leave Vancouver just yet."

"Then lets go get a hotel downtown or something. Find a new source, get jobs, make money and get out of this shitty part of town." I held her close to me before planting another kiss on her lips. She nodded slowly.

"Yeah. Yeah we should leave. You and me?"

"There's no one else in this world I would rather run away with." She kissed me passionatly, running her tongue along mine before pulling me upstairs to help her pack her things.

* * *

"Now, don't get excited because we can't use them now." Devi pulled out a small box from under her bed.

"What? You had junk in here the whole time?" I asked in confusion. All this time I'd been blowing cash on her and she didn't need it.

"Yeah, but this shit's pure. It's good quality, straight up heroin," She smiled kindly. "We should do it in the hotel once we find a new dealer or at least jobs."

"Sounds good, love." I hugged her tightly as she slid the needles, bags of powder, lighters, and spoons into one of her three duffle bags. We then headed to my house where I knew no one would be waiting to see me.

* * *

"Josh?" Someone called out from downstairs. Shit, I must've left the door open again, I thought before stuffing the rest of my t-shirts in a backpack. Devi and I then headed down to meet Lolly, Jen, Amber, and Fiona.

"Ugh," I moaned. "Why can't you girls just give up on me already?" I felt myself getting shakey. I hadn't been high in quite some time that day and I was starting to need it again.

"Because Joshua. We actually care about you." Lolly stated. Amber started to cry. I rolled my eyes and kissed Devi slightly.

"Go wait in the car, I'll be there in a minute," I whispered in her ear and she nodded and walked off. "Alright, what's this about?" I asked, irratated, before sitting down on the couch, inviting the girls to sit around me.

"Obviously you haven't told anyone what the fuck is going on with you so we're here to figure it out." Fiona stated angrily.

"It's nothing."

"Bullshit!" Jen spat. Amber let the tears flow freely now. Part of me wanted to hug her, to tell her it's okay, I'll quit if she stops crying. However a bigger part of me knew Devi was sitting in the car, waiting with a couple of needles for us.

"Can we please hurry this up? Devi and I are leaving." I stood up and tried to get them to leave. Lolly walked over to me and slapped me right across the face, leaving her hot stinging hand print on my cheek.

"Fuck you Josh. You don't deserve our last attempts. You're out of our fucking lifes." She pursed her lips angrily at me before walking out the door. Amber ran to me and hugged me tightly.

"I'm just so sorry we couldn't help you." She sobbed before running after Lauren. Fiona just walked out; she didn't even look at me. Jen stepped up to me and I tried to hold a strong face. We had been best friends since we were two. I couldn't just cut her out of my life. She had tears in her eyes and was biting her lip to keep in the heavy sobs.

"Josh. I just…what do you want me to tell you?"

"I…I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry that I'm always the one to let you down. I feel so ashamed! It should have been easy to get through this year and now I've put you through this. I want you to know that I won't let you go in my memories." Now I could feel the tears well up. She sighed and looked down at the floor.

"Whatever it is, why can't you just give it up?"

"I'm in too deep now, Jen. There's just no stopping it anymore." I hugged her tightly, feeling her let go and break down into sobs before pushing me away and running after the others. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting the tears fall slowly before hearing Devi honk the horn. I turned reluctantly and walked out of the house, shutting the door and locking it behind me. I sat in the front seat of her shitty, beat up…whatever kind of car it was.

"You good?"

"I will be." I sighed, pulling my knees up to my chest and letting myself just cry.

* * *

I gripped at her wrists, hearing her gasp beneath me. I closed my eyes at the strange sensations ripping through me. We were stoned as fuck but it didn't matter. Our hips moved together, gathering a steady rhythm between us. She cursed under her breath and I flipped my bangs out of my eyes. I bit my lip, stopping a moan from dripping out. Devi however didn't hold back, she moaned heavily as we reached the climax of our evening. I let go of her wrists for a moment, only to grip the bedsheets as I continued thrusting into her. A lush groan of my name slipped from her full lips, making my eyes roll into the back of eyes before letting a loud gasp out. She hissed another curse word, before biting into my shoulder as we came together. I pulled out, sweaty and panting heavily. Devi leaned over, picking up a pack of smokes from her bedside table and pulling out two. She kissed me passionatley before placing one in between my lips.

"You're getting much better." She smiled, lighting them both and inhaling deeply. I followed suit and blew out a silver stream before answering.

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," she grinned, taking another long drag. "I'm just so happy." She rested her head on my bare chest and my skin tingled where her hair touched me. I smiled smugly to myself, inhaling more smoke. I looked around at our little shit hole we found. It was an honest to good roach hotel but for two junkies on the run, it would have to do. It was getting close to being November and we would need to stay warm in the Canadian winter. However right now, we had just shot up with pure heroin and had fucked intensly. I grinned thinking of this before feeling an intense burn on my stomach.

"Devi, what the hell!?" I screamed, pushing her off me.

"Wha? What did I do?" Her eyes were still closed but she was looking around as if she could see.

"You fucking burned me with the goddamn ciggarette! If you're going to fucking sleep then put it the fuck out!" I yelled, brushing the ash off me, seeing a small red mark that was going to start bleeding if I touched it.

"I'm…I'm so sorry." She hugged her knees tightly to her chest before starting to cry.

"Dev," I sighed, feeling bad. I wrapped my arms around her, tucking her head under her chin. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"It's okay. I'm a failure."

"Don't say that! You're not!" We sat there in a cold, drug induced embrace in silence for a few minutes.

"I love you." I whispered.

"Do you know you are the only person that makes me feel whole?" She said calmly.

"What do you mean?"

"When I'm with you, I feel real. Like an actuall human being," She curled in tightly to me. "I feel beautiful."

"You are beautiful. You are the most beautiful girl in the whole world. There is no one prettier that you." She laughed slightly, placing small kisses on my collarbone, before we fell back onto the pillows and fell asleep in each others arms.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_** Push**_

**A/N: So as some of you know, this was a pretty difficult chapter to get up. It was kinda tough to write. Enjoy it anyway. Oh! And btdub, there are only four more chapters to go! **

December. The coldest month ever. Inside the hotel room of our broken relationship, it was freezing. Devi and I were huddled up in the bed together, trying desperately to stop shaking.

"We need jobs, Josh. We're running out of money." Her teeth chattered as she leaned in closer to me.

"How did this start?" I asked, feeling the drug leave my body. We were definitely running on low.

"You never really wanted it did you?"

"No but now I do. Will you settle for a bit of it?" I sighed.

"Do you have any?"

"I have a small thing we can chase but that's it."

"That's fine. For now anyway," She sighed and wiped away tears. "Then we need money." I nodded, kissed her gently and left the bed to get the tinfoil packages out of my hoodie. I handed her one and half of a straw we had lying around. I flicked my lighter, opened up the tinfoil and stuck the straw between my lips. I heated up the powder and watched as the white smoke curled up around the silver paper and up into the straw. I inhaled deeply, just like a cigarette and felt the intstant cooling feeling in my brain. I let my eyes flutter closed for a few minutes, letting the toxic taste swirl behind my lips a little. I listened as Devi flicked the lighter beneath her tinfoil satchel and slowly breathed out the smoke, letting my soul escape with it. My brain started to slow down and my eyes fluttered open. That was it. The only hit I was going to to get today.

"Hey don't you feel it now?" I asked, breathing in and out and in and out.

"Mhmm, it feels wonderful," She leaned back into me with a soft smile. "But you know that in a few hours we'll need more, right?"

"Better get on that then. Did you find us a dealer?"

"Yeah," She closed her eyes. "His name is…on a business card over there," she pointed wildly. "Somewhere."

"Just sleep then," I stroked her hair gently. "I'll get a job." I placed her gently down on to the pillows and got dressed nicely. I grabbed the car keys and headed out the door.

"Yes, sir. I've never had a job before but I'm positive that I can help out in this enviroment." I grinned, the drug giving me a boost of confidence in this very impromtu interview.

"Great, so we'll have you in the back room, doing the stock, alright?" The tall beefy man nodded slowly.

"Perfect, I can do that."

"When can you start?"

"How's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow at five? Deal." And I walked out with a quick handshake and a secure income of fourteen dollars an hour. Who knew it was that easy? I got back in the car and realized, what if I just halucinated this? What if I'm sitting in the hotel parking lot, stoned as hell and not moving? I shook my head a few times, feeling my bangs land in front of my eyes. I pushed them back but I was still sitting in the Best Buy parking lot. I sighed, turned the key in the ignition and started to drive as carefully as I could back to the hotel.

"Where the hell were you!" Devi threw her shoe at my head while I walked in the door.

"What the hell! I was getting us money!" I dodged the shoe and quickly shut the door, leaving her shoe in the hallway.

"Bullshit! You left me here! I could've died!" She jumped off the bed, slammed me up against the wall, and started yelling at me. I was at least a foot taller than her, I could just slap her and she'd back off.

"I thought we agreed I'd go out and get a job so we could get more!"

"It's always a handgun laoded with excuses for you, isn't it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You always have something to get yourself out of these situations." She muttered before grabbing a hoodie and heading out the door.

"Screw you, Devi," I whispered to no one in particular and walked to the bathroom, flicking the flourescent lights on. They glared off the black and white tiles, creating an illusion of them being clean, but I knew differently. I had stained them with my blood earlier and just wiped it clean. I touched the scab on my arm in rememberence of my encounter with the blade. I sighed, staring at my reflection in the mirror, seeing nothing but a stranger. I was horribly pale, almost blue and I wondered if that was what the dead looked like. It certaintly felt like this. Before I could control myself, tears formed in my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. I ran my hands through my hair and tried to will them to stop on their own. They wouldn't. I quickly pushed the dingy white shower curtain back and turned the cold water on full. I stepped in to the freezing shower, clothes on and sat on the floor, trying to get the water to baptize and purify my life. What the hell did I do? All the pieces used to fit. It was wearing me down completely and I was just so tired. I hadnt been sleeping well and my body was getting pissed off at me. I began to shake but I couldn't tell whether it was from the tears, the withdrawls, or the cold water. It felt…okay. It was better than the nothing I was getting used to. I regretted it, I regretted a lot of things. I didn't think I'd feel it all but I was wrong about it.

When I came to, Devi had returned and shut the water off, leaving me freezing and asleep in the shower. I opened my eyes slowly and stretched out my legs from having them tucked up to my chest, listening to her flip through the channels. I lifted my arms slowly, feeling the dripping water slide down my skin, making it tingle in an awkward sensation. I shuddered against it and pulled the shirt off, my jeans following. I stood up slowly and reached for a towel to warm me up and walked out to meet her. She was sitting on the bed, focusing more on the buttons on the remote then what was actually happening on the screen. I sat down on my side of the bed and opened up my suitcase, pulling out a new pair of boxers, a shirt, and my pajama pants.

"I'm sorry I yelled."

"I know."

"I'm really happy you got a job."

"Did you get anything?"

"Just a pack of smokes for the two of us. He was out of everything else. I'm sorry." She crawled over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and leaning her head on my shoulder. I froze in place, her skin creating awful burning sensations on mine. I breathed in deeply, feeling her kiss my cheek.

"Devi," I exhaled just as slowly. "I can smell the heroin on you. Do you have anything for me?" She shook her head slowly and I felt the tears splash down on my shoulder.

"I only had a small breath of it. They wouldn't let me have anymore." I closed my eyes tightly and gripped the sheets tightly, trying not to get angry.

Devi passed out, dead asleep at one in the morning. I sighed, rolling around slightly in the sheets. I glanced over at the clock, seeing the red glowing numbers flash 5:30AM at me. I groaned, pushing myself up off the bed and walking into the 'clean' bathroom. My hair was dull, flat, a dirty blonde shade that hung in front of my stupid blue eyes. People were always telling me they were my best feature. How could it be my best feature if it was something I hated? My pale skin. I wish I was tan like normal people, not cold and death like. I turned my face away from the mirror in hate from myself and dropped down in front of the toilet. I leaned my head back on the wall, feeling sick. This wasn't the life I wanted. Where was the happy family? The happy childhood? The great grades? The amazing girlfriend? I hated everything. Why couldn't I be happy? My mind had seriously been mistreated. Suddenly, a sick feeling washed over my entire body and I could feel it produce violent tremors through my bones. I leapt forward, slamming my index and middle finger down my throat, lifting the lid to the toilet. I gagged slightly, producing dry heaves but that wasn't enough. I reached up slowly, turning the taps on to hide the noise and stuck my fingers farther down my throat. Suddenly, I felt everything I had eaten that day come up from my stomach. I steadied myself with two hands on the tile as I retched all the horrible things in me out. I felt more tears pour down my face as I continued to be sick. Eventually, once I was satisfied I was no longer filled with the toxic shit of food, I cleaned the floor, the toilet and eventually myself up. I stood up and started to brush my teeth to be rid of the acid in my mouth. I was pretty damn sure that by now, the tears were going to stain my face. I felt like just punching the mirror, shattering the stupid thing. It was giving me sickening images of myself and I hated the whole thing. I shut the lights off, felt my way to the door knob and stumbled back to bed where I layed, wide awake and shaking until the sun came up the next day.

I had been working for a while now at Best Buy. It was my third week there and getting close to Christmas. I could care less and I'm pretty sure my parents did too. They hadn't called to find me yet, not that I'd go home if they did, but still. Devi was never there anymore when I got 'home' yet she always came home stoned and without any needles for me. I needed a way to get a hell of a lot more money and get my own junk. I contemplated this, sitting on the curb outside of the wearhouse of my work. I looked down at the ciggarette in between my fingers and lifted it to my lips, inhaling slowly. I only had fifeteen minutes of my break left and I wanted to at least finish two smokes so I wasn't so frustrated working for the last four hours. I exhaled the smoke, watching the men walk by in their suits, looking down on me. I shook my head slightly and took another breath of the bitter smoke. I finished off the first one and lit another smoke, consecutivley. How was I going to get the money to afford more heroin. I breathed in and out, inhaling the smoke, closing my eyes to the pressure of the world. I stood up, ashing out the second cigarette and stretching slightly, ready to head back in. It was freezing outside but I had left my coat and scarf in my locker. My arms were starting to go numb so I placed my hands in my khaki pockets. My fingers brushed against a plastic case and I pulled a mp3 player out. How did this not set off the alarm?

"I'll buy that off you." I looked up, jumping in fright at the man in the suit that was now standing in front of me.

"What?" I shivered.

"I'll give you," He pulled out his wallet. "Two hundred for it. Please? My daughter desperatley wants one for Christmas." He offered me a huge wad of dollar bills. I sneered, what a stupid dick. There were only three days untill Christmas and he decided to buy a stolen one of a junkie? I peeled the security label off the back and handed it over, greedy for the feeling off the money in my hand.

"Yeah, sure thing." I grinned happily, as the man thanked me, giving me the money and walking away from me. I slid in into my pocket, replacing the case. I walked back into the wearhouse wondering what else could I steal and get money from without being caught?

The next few days blurred together until Christmas Eve rolled around. I still had the cash saved up from the shoplifted mp3 player and I was planning on buying my girlfriend a really nice present for the holiday. That was until I found out she spent all her money on tiny bags of white powder for just her. So I did the exact same thing. I found her drug dealer and spent all two hundred dollars on two bags and a small tinfoil packet for later. At about lunch, I had already used the first bag. Devi and I spent the rest of the day high in front of the tv, watching christmas specials occasionaly making out. However she had to leave again, (for what reason, I forgot to ask) and I spent the evening alone.

I couldn't say why but I locked myself in the bathroom for the night, prepared for a Christmas of self destruction. I had already thrown up everything I had eaten that day and was preparing to get high. I flicked the lighter underneath the spoon that held the precious heroin, heating it up until it liquified and bubbled. Sucking the liquid up into the syringe, I slid my belt off quickly and tied it high up on my arm. I took the excess of the belt in my teeth and pulled tightly, my heart beat excellerating every step I got closer to the actuall needle. I took the needle in my oppositie hand and pressed it to the skin, making it red and matching the other track marks. My lips twitched into a smile, even though this was obviously not a laughing matter. Slowly, as to create more pain, I pushed the needle into a little blue vein and drained the clear tube of the drug, releasing it into my veins. I sighed, throwing my head back against the wall. I was using like it was going out of style. I pulled the needle out, loosened the belt and cleaned up the needles off the bathroom floor. Suddenly, the tears started flowing and I had no control over them. Control? I hadn't had control over myself in way too long of a time. I wanted out of this life style.

"This'll be the last time." I said outloud to no one in particular. _Everytime's a last time. _I looked over at the little silver packet of tinfoil and realized that I wasn't quitting anytime soon. I was getting stuck again in this routine of self hate. I picked up the razor I had lying next to me and placed it in between my thumb and index finger, watching my hand shake. I wiped away the tears and placed the razor on my arm. This was probably a bad idea. Heroin was a blood thinner and I could die. I contemplated this and lifted the razor off my skin. I took a couple of deep breaths, in and out and in and out before resting the metal against my forearm. I was the one who fucked it up. With that thought, I sliced into my arm quickly, watching the line produce a ruby line that slowly poured down my arm. I could only sit there, watching as my tears mixed with the blood, realizing I wasn't going to make it out of this life unless I had a push.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_**Far From Here**_

**A/N: If you wanna know the full story of why this took so long to put up, contact me on twitter x_SayAnything. Otherwise, lets just move on? I apologize for the shortness of said chapter but the others will hopefully be longer. **

It was cold. Empty and cold.

New Years came and went with a batch of needles like any other day. I hardly saw Devi anymore. She seemed like a ghost to me. A very selfish ghost. She came back to our hotel room only when she needed something. I felt completely and utterly alone, shaking and sweating, just waiting and hoping to the next hit of warmth.

It felt like the drugs and I were in some sort of a boxing match only I didn't know when the final bell was going to ring. It would feel alright but that was just a lie that was always near. One minute I could be laughing out loud at how free I was, the next I'd be clinging to walls, trying to stop them from closing in on me.

I often thought about going home, just to see my mom. In the dead of night, when I couldn't sleep, I thought about her. I promised I'd come back from Devi's and ask her about the bruises. I was supposed to hug her tight, let her know I was still her son, I loved her, and I was going to save her from my dad. Yet here I was, heating up another spoon, in the dark of this motel, tightening the belt around my arm.

Gritting my teeth, I whispered an apology to my mom before sliding the needle into my vein.


End file.
